Today has been a really rough day to say the least. My doctor came in and we filled out the forms for my c-section surgery. As with any surgery, there are risks, so she began explaining them. The risks that stood out, however, are not just the regular c-section risks, but the complications because of the vasa previa. I've always kind of known this, but because of the previa, I am at a higher risk for hemorrhaging. In my mind I've just thought, "no big deal, been there, done that with Lexi!" But then she mentions if they can't control the bleeding, it would require a hysterectomy right on the spot, which could get even messier. Thinking optimistically, the chances of it happening are 1-2%. As much as I'd like to think that's reassuring, let's just think back to all my other problems: hellp syndrome, also a rare condition, retained placenta, not as rare, but still affects a low percentage of people, and vasa previa, probably one of the rarest pregnancy complications out there, and I got all 3 of these!! So when they tell me the chances of something happening are rare, it doesn't really reassure me of anything, in fact I think of that quote from Dumb and Dumber: "so you're saying there's a chance!"
I really want to stay positive, and I have a lot of support and people reassuring me that everything will be okay, from family and friends to professionals. But, you know what? The fact of the matter is, it's not your body that has to go through this, it's mine, and I can't help but freak out a little inside and feel extremely anxious about it. I just think back to my first delivery with Lexi, when my body went into shock from losing so much blood, I am NOT ready to go through that again... and possibly even worse than last time!
When they say hysterectomy, a lot of people's reaction is, "no more period and no more babies"... sounds good right? But a hysterectomy will likely put my body into an early menopause! Grrrreat!! 🙄 The hardest part is, I have no choice at this point, there is absolutely no other option for me and the baby. So I just have to suck it up and hope for the best. Only time will tell if all will go smoothly or not and it's the unknown that's really hard for me right now.
On the morning of June 2, I woke up bright and early, showered and prepped myself for surgery; physically and mentally! I overheard them saying I may get bumped because of some twins that may need to get delivered first. Turns out, I was still ahead of them, and they started taking me to the OR shortly after 9am. When we got there, Gary had to wait outside the room while I went in and got the spinal to freeze me from the chest down. The first time they checked my blood pressure it was through the roof because I was so nervous. I don't remember the top number, but the smaller number was at 115! At that point I almost started crying, but I did my best to hold myself together. They brought in a cooler of blood in case of any excessive bleeding and I discussed with the anesthesiologist about starting a second IV in case I needed the blood. He was pretty confident we wouldn't need it (not sure he knew my full story), but he reassured me if we did he would be able to put an IV in quickly. The anesthesiologist was actually really funny and kept the mood very light in the room, and it definitely helped me along; I am so grateful for my team.
During the surgery they cut me slightly different than a normal c-section because of the extra placenta they needed to remove, and I did bleed more than average for a c-section. In fact, the anesthesiologist had begun to place a tourniquet on my arm to prep for blood transfusions, but eventually he removed it and said, "whew, that was close!" Once everything was done, I felt soooooo much relief. I know that I worked myself up a lot going into the surgery, but it's really hard not to think of every possible outcome, especially when you're sitting in a hospital for a month with nothing else to do.
Our beautiful baby girl, Jenna Leigh Morgan was born at 9:53am at 4lbs 14oz, and 18.5" long. I didn't see her for the first few hours because I required a little more recovery. She spent a few days on the CPAP machine to assist with her breathing, then slowly everything started coming off. First the CPAP, then the IV, and eventually the feeding tube and monitors. The most amazing part was when the CPAP came off because we were finally able to see her sweet face. While she had it on, she never opened her eyes because the mask pushed up towards them so much, and of course the nose piece, the tubes, and her hat covered her so much. Not to mention the feeding tube that she had in her mouth during this time. After they took it all off, she opened her eyes and starred at us for over an hour while we all stared back at her in amazement; she was absolutely perfect!!
She spent exactly 2 weeks in NICU, then we were finally able to bring her home. She spent some quality time with my parents before they left to go back to Newfoundland, then we began our new life with 2 kids. Adjusting has been a challenge, Lexi is a great help when she wants to be, but there are times when she's just not interested (typical 4 year old). The two biggest challenges for me are:
1. I'm still recovering from my c-section, so I'm limited on what I can do around the house. It's a little upside down at the moment, but I just take it day by day and do the best I can. Gary is so great with picking up the slack around here when he gets home from work. Plus my c-section hasn't come without its own problems; it split open slightly to drain some fluid and had a minor infection. Just delays the healing a little more, and limits what I can do even more.
2. Since being in the hospital for over a month, Lexi's world was flipped upside down too, she ended up spending a lot of time on her electronics during road trips and while at the hospital (lets face it, it's not the most entertaining place for a kid). Now I think she has an addiction to the computer and iPad that I'm trying to break or at least limit, but it doesn't come without tantrums and whining. Her bedtime schedule is a bit messed up as well, and I've noticed she doesn't listen to me as well as she used to. I've gotten a little angry at her sometimes when she doesn't listen and I feel bad for it after because I know it's just a relapse from everything that's been going on, it's not her fault or anyone's fault, just a situational thing that we need to work on. It just really sucks when you work so hard on this stuff; I even took parenting classes to get tips on these things, we had a good system going and now I feel like I'm back at square one. Hopefully it doesn't take long to get things back to normal soon.
Jenna has been home just over a week now. She sleeps all day and up all night, I am working on switching that schedule around and it's beginning to get better. She's gaining weight every day and they are very happy with that. She had her first paediatrician appointment on Friday and weighed in at 5lbs 10.5oz, so she's almost gained a pound in exactly 3 weeks and the nurse comes tomorrow to weigh her in again. They are monitoring her very closely because she's a preemie.
I am going to take a little break from the blogging for now. It helped me through a tough time to get my feelings out and inform everyone what was going on, plus it brought in so much support which really helped me on this Journey. Speaking of Journey, on our second last day in the NICU, they started a bead program to track the baby's progress during her stay; she received a bead for each test and milestone on her journey, and it's really amazing to see just how many beads she got in 2 short weeks. This girl has been through a lot, she's definitely a fighter and we couldn't be happier to finally complete our family with such a perfect princess!
Thanks to all my family and friends for your support, especially my Mom. Xo